I don't even know where to start in ways on this xanga. I have so many blogs to catch up on. I look forward to the end of this month. I'm learning much and don't even know where to start. I see so many hurting people needing encouragement in so many ways.  Yet, I'm learning I must make it a priority for myself to be in the Word so I can be of use and build my faith to be able to hear clearer and believe more.  I'm learning to listen more and trust Jesus that he is in control. I'm praying to learn how to share that with others to encourage them. Yet, example by my own life is a place to start.

     Work this month has been such a challenge but in the same a blessing. I must make choices in my attitude and must chose even my words I speak which does affect my life. Oh, God is amazing refuge and a source of strength who loves us so.  God is there when we do seek him for directions. Sometimes, following it is another challenge!

     I will slowly try to catch up in ways this next month. Yet, life this month has had so much to teach me and going to a conference that challenged the socks of me since! May you all be blessed by God who loves us so!

Off on a trip till Tuesday... I'm at my busy call month. .......Not doing much on xanga but will try to catch up later!!!  I do miss it!!!  God is still working and I'm learning despite being quiet on xanga!

" 90 Minutes in Heaven"  by Don Piper with Cecil Murphy

"A true story of Death and Life"

       Finding time read can be a challenge these days. Years ago I use to devour books like candy which was quite beneficial to my church librarian Mother.  I'm not quite sure how this book got into my car but it was in a small bag with the receipt missing. I asked friends that had been in my car if it was theirs but they denied it.  I had stumbled on reading another book on a topic that I could not put down a few days prior about prayer and faith. This book goes hand in hand with prayer and the power of God. This book opened my eyes further in my own career to realize even more what a miracle God did perform. My own Father was killed in a head on collision which crushed him and sent him on to heaven instantly which further helps me understand the love and power of God in our lives and what lies ahead.

      A Pastor finds himself going home from a church conference but does not make it directly home due to being involved in a horrible wreck where he is found without a pulse by first responders and appears crushed in the car. Another Pastor who attended the conference was traveling the same path, stops at the scene, and despite being told this man is dead by the EMT's on scene goes and prays for this unknown man anyway because he feels like God is telling him to do this.

     Praying and singing for 90 minutes over this man crushed in his own car and left for dead, the Pastor starts to hear the "dead man" singing with him "What a Friend we have in Jesus". Running back to find an EMT and pleads to have this man's pulse checked again and transported for help, this Pastor grows in his faith through prayer in action of seeing God work. Yet, the injured Pastor  has a long road ahead of him as he waits for months before he can ever share what happened in those 90 minutes he was considered dead. He admits to having such a horrible attitude and frustration to be able to be in Heaven and then to be brought back to such a painful  life to recover from this accident. He continues to ask God, "Why?"

     Over the years as God opens doors of ministry to people as the question is gradually answered. God brings us through things so we can encourage others. This Pastor is brutually honest about himself, his faults, and feelings through this ordeal as he realizes some of the reasons from this accident. This is a book that will encourage anybody to look at the way they live life and what awaits for them beyond death.

     Waking up seems like another day but I do notice this last year my body started making noises at times as I get up.  Years of lifting and such  lets me know I am older as God blessed me this many years on earth.  I do look today and realize I would like to make a few changes for the next year. Our lives are a work in progress while on earth preparing for our eternal home with how we grow in our relationship with Jesus. Our life is an investment to the future eternal home. We are encouraged to invest in heaven where it does not get corrupted here on earth.

     This last year  I was tested to see what gold was really in all that stubble pile I had been building. Looking back, I praise God for the fire due to I did learn about myself and huge areas I do need work in that I thought was solid. Job stood the test very well. I thought I would have stood better than I did in ways.  Yet,  we all have expectations whether they be achievable or not. Yet, at the same time all is possible with God and we can read the whole Bible to find out what that means with God's promises with the way he wants us to live.

      This year a focus chapter will be 1 Corithians 13(Love chapter). Last night hearing some news is a good test of that chapter along with Romans 12 the last part.   In what I do at work, I see a lot of mean and horrible things happen. In some ways, you think you are better at things that you are.  This last year, repeatedly, I saw I need work in this area. Again, I want my life to be an investment toward eternity and ministry to point others to Jesus in a daily path he has me on. We all are put in places to shine the light of Jesus but it is our choice what we do shine and how.  The word love encompasses so much when it is talking about the action in the Holy Bible.

      I have choices to make to prepare me to face another decade of life for next year. As we are young we have ideas where we will be at during certain ages of life. I chose to laugh about this. We chose whether or not life is about us or what we focus life on. I made a descions years ago which affects me today. My desire while young was to please Jesus, share, and try not to settle for less than God's best. I took my relationship with Jesus seriously.  I will admit it has been an adventure and looks to continue to be one. I am far from perfect but I am forgiven and  loved by God which means more than anything else on this earth and beyond!

     Today, I'm trying to deal with some new technology and it seems to be challenging me with building patience. I try to buy locally but after dealing with young salesman I'm believing the internet with the lack of salesmen could be more honest. Asking the same questions to three different guys with them coming up with different answers as I start to question myself if I'm really standing in the same place in front of the same product. So, I start challenging their answers with the one I'm currently discussing with to which can cause them to stammer and walk off to find a manager to get the answer. Maybe, the hope I will go away if they take long enough but I don't leave the area because I'm serious about what I want to know. Following with my eyes, I see each time I go to the store it is another manager which at times doesn't seem to know a lot more. One time looking the manager in the eye across the area only to see him advert his eyes probably hoping I will go away to with my questions.  My desire is honesty about the money I'm going to spend on the newer technology I'm wanting to purchase. Plus, I want it all to be tech friendly with what I may already have so I don't have to update other stuff too! Yet, that does not always happen! Yet, when I go to a store I would really like to have somebody that actually knows about what I'm seriously wanting to buy!!!!

     As my patience starts to crumble.....I get reminded.....there are people out there curious about God at times and asking questions from those who appear to go to church to worship Jesus Christ. If they are going to give their life to God they want to know more. In this World it seems like there are a lot of products of god out there like Muslim, Buddha, Hindu, Humanism, and even Satan. It is hard for me to think of Satan as someone to purposely worship when he is destructive toward humans. Yet, at times, humans can be self destructive. It is scary even different churches claiming to worship can have various Jesus Christ can have different opinions sorta like brands of computers/cameras/cars. When I shop to buy, I want something that works for real!!! Sincerity!!! Real active sheep and wheat faith!!!

     What do I say to people who are asking questions about Jesus? Can I help  them or confuse them? Is Jesus real in my life so I can share who Jesus really is and how he works. Or, am I going through the motions of repeating what I'm told to say without any real personal convictions as I go through the motions in following Jesus? Do I seek out for myself who Jesus really is or live by the apron strings of others or just hang with a want to be crowd going through motions?  Do I hope they will go away when they ask questions I can't answer about Jesus or the person I think that might know the answer doesn't know either hope for the same?

      Well, when it comes to talking about Jesus to another person, I share more than when i first just gave my life to Jesus due to he is actively working in my life which I can share with the person something recent or that they can relate with. I can share I do miss up still even in attitudes but Jesus is there to forgive me when I still do confess my sins so I can have an open relationship with Jesus due to sins get in the way of  communication with God. I will not go into the cliches of Jesus will make your life wonderful and happy smiley faces of no troubles.  If I listen with faith and humbly seek myself,  Jesus through the Holy Spirit will give me the words to say to others when they ask me. If we follow sincerely follow Jesus, we can expect not to be popular in the world due to Jesus was not either. Yet, that does not mean we are not Victors in this world. (Excellent blog on this subject at http://www.xanga.com/RaZeHeLL/572338072/item.html) A relationship with Jesus is not going through life alone depending on a weak human or other weak humans who may not know more than you despite what they may lead you to believe. Jesus promises when we seek him with all our heart we will find him!! There are so many things to share about Jesus and why to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.  My favorite reason? He is the same Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!!!!! No updates, downloads, having to spend more money to keep up with technology, or a few years what you buy is obsolete!!!!  I repeat......Jesus is the same Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow! Praise God!!!

      Last blog reminds me of various situations that I can get involved in at times.  I will admit sometimes, I don't want to. There are so many people asking for help at times or people you see that need it. Yet, there is only so much time in a day. I'm reminded that if I don't take care of myself I can not help anybody. If I don't spend time in the Word then I can gradually get off focus, myself. God gives us each freewill with choices we each make. Even small choices can start leading us down interesting paths that we may not realize we are on. To help is setting priorities.  If I don't sleep I get tired and can make mistakes or even lack the patience I know I need to have. Plus, sleep and other things about life make  difference to a person's health.

      I remember little saying growing up, " 7 days without prayer makes one weak." It was printed on  a little metal rectangle with a magnet on the back of it so it could be put on a place. I don't remember where it's exact location was but those words I did see often burned in my mind. I find that statement is true in my own life and just watching life. There is spiritual health I need to make a priority. 

      Tonight, I was talking to a person who seems nice. They told me they wanted to go to  Hell.  Saying calmly, "It's just hot, right? If  I can handle Kansas summers, then I can handle hell."

       I was taken back for a moment knowing hell is so much more than "hot" or something tolorable. It is not a social hang out of a big party time of doing whatever you want that you think might be bad. It started a conversation that stayed friendly as the topic was changed. The person really did not think they were going but what kept them from it. The subject was changed by the person and the timing was over with this person.

       After those conversations, I wonder if I said enough, bold enough, loving enough. and pray another conversation will happen again. I pray there is salt to the words. It makes the verse "be ready in and out of season " reality. I know words to say but I don't want it to be my words but what God wants me to say. Some of these moments can come and go before you even realize they are there. Yet, I'm reminded I must show love in words and actions.

     The winter night is dark as we drive up wondering which poorly marked addressed apartment made the call for us to respond. Yet, I caught a wiff of something in the air and followed my nose to the door at which to knock. From inside, I here a older women's voice telling me to come on in. As I pushed open the door, sudden movement inside caused me to stop due to small creatures aprox. 3 ft high coming at me and scurrying to hide. Yet, the overwhelming odor of old used cat litter greeted me with the knowledge of what the movement was cats reacting to strangers coming into their home. Yet, it was the small path with mounds to step over and the floor covering that caused the cats to be about three feet high that surprized me as I walked in following the voice coming from another room. The similar appearance was in the other room with an older lady sitting bundled with her head covered and many layers of clothing surrounded by the mounds of various things. Yet, a few cats stood guard of the one that cared for them as I could see stacks of bags of unopened catfood nearby. Feeling a cold breeze I notice an open window in the bathroom where the sweet lady tells me is for the cats to come in and out the apartment. The sweet lady is fully alert asks me to take her to a location to get some help due to she does not feel well enough to do it herself tonight. She has dealt with a pain for several days and decides she does need some help. We assist her out as she more concerned for her large number of cats than for herself.

      Some of the responders came in while other chose to stay out. Part of the reason was the smell and the other the lack of room to have too many people in. I was grateful for the ones that came in with me as they treated her with respect and care like this was any other house we would  respond to. These men proved in themselves in how they reacted and treated this sweet lady with such care that showed they were  really out to help anybody anywhere.

     Yet, as I looked at these guarding cats and gently pushed them away so I could get to their caretaker it made me think of something.  This dear lady is can be compared to us all spiritually. Sometimes we can get all caught up in sin which is not always a pleasant to be around. God will not stand for it as he sent his son, Jesus, down to provide a way to cover our sins from his death on the cross and rose from the death defeating Satan three days later.  Easter is the holiday that is celebrated for it as it has various meanings with different people.

     Yet, this lady can be all of us spiritually as we feed the sinful actions we do to the point of protecting, feeding, and caring for them in such a way that could kill us. Instead of keeping a window closed during the winter time she wore many layers of clothing to stay warm so her cats could come go as they pleased.  Some of  those cats had a real affection for her just as some of our sins we find hard of letting go from. We all have our pets when it comes to sins that we end up confessing more than other ones. Yet, she realized a need that she did need help out of the situation and finally called for it.

     Question is, are we people willing to help others when the ask for help and go in? Or,  are we going to be hanging outside and possibly making fun of the person asking for help as others help them? We all have sin due to we are humans and not perfect. Are we going to be people that want to ask for help in our situation?   Sin if not fogiven by God through Jesus will lead to our death eternally.

     I  find myself forgiving something but it seems to creep back up again to frustrate me at another time later. Sometimes, it can be a daily creep up which can frustrated me which takes energy away from the day at hand. So, I have learned over the years that forgiveness is a continual and it is more like constant verb instead of a noun. I mean, at times, I can go years without thinking of something and then one day, bang! It is in my mind, again! Why? Well, if I think about it something current reminds me of the past whatever. Yet, do I have an option not to forgive? Yes, Jesus does give us freewill. Yet, what are the consquences not to forgive? There is not room to discuss it all here. Yet, forgiving helps keep bitterness from growing in my life which in ways can block loving people which is another command of God like the second one according Mark 12: 30. Yet, is there more?

     (25) And when you stand praying, forgive, if  you have anything against any; that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses. (26) But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive  your trespasses.   Mark 11: 25-26 (NKJ)

     This is also in the Lord's Prayer scriptures. I know I'm far from perfect. I need Jesus to forgive me for my sins. If he does not forgive my sins how do I get into heaven? This is serious concept not some whim or fancy. For me to love others I have to be able to forgive which is part of applying 1 Cor. 13 (Chapter on Love) which is doing Mark 12:30 (And the second is like, namely this, You shall love your neighbor as yourself. There is none other commandment greater than these.)Which then means I have to forgive myself and accept God's forgiveness for my sins, too. Sometimes, dealing with our ownselves when we expect can a lot from ourselves and become frustrated when we do not due it out of our own weakness. We don't apply things when we know to apply things.

     How did I even get on this topic in the first place? I was reading these scriptures this morning first before the other verses I just used on this blog....

     (22) And Jesus answering said to them, Have Faith in God. (23) For verily I say to you, That whosoever shall say to this mountain, Be removed and be cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall not doubt in his heart, but shall come to pass; he shall have them. (24) Therefore, I say to you, What things soever you desire, when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you shall have them.   Mark 11: 22-24. (NKJ)

      I know there are a lot of verses about faith, believing, asking, and such. Taking the Holy Bible as a whole is very important to keep  things in context. Yet, reading passages over and over throughout the years different things can really shine out to me in areas I do need to work in. It is part of the Holy  Bible being living as the Holy Spirit works through us teaching us things which lets it come alive and applicable through the ages.

      Constantly forgiving is part of loving people which allows growth in my faith and relationship with God. Oh, I desire to grow in this relationship but there are many things I need to learn to apply in my life. Those last couple of verses that I discussed first is part about being heard to be able to do what I want to do in life. I do like challenges and Jesus has no lack of them for me!

Mark 9: 23-24 (NKJ)

    (23)  Jesus said to him, "If you can believe, all things are possible to him that believes."  (24)  And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, "Lord, I believe; help mine unbelief." 

     This verse nailed me this morning after saying some words these last few weeks that have not been positive after I found out God is answering prayers of my past. To fully answer this prayer, it will take time and I must have faith and love people like 1 Corithians 13.  Yet, things at times seem very interesting at times when you are dealing with freewill. I have said some words with a negative tone and that lacked faith. I verbally doubted God could answer these prayers. J, my roommate, told me to my face to watch my words due to the tone and what I was saying was frustrating to her last night. This morning I was convicted more so about my words and my doubt which I should not have. If J words last night, and Bible study this morning did not drill it home enough, God gave me a third person this afternoon during a phone call about the same subject and another verse! My dear friend, Leslie who is a big sister spiritually that God allowed me to get to know on the trip to Biloxi last year. Did she know what I was up to? She lives several hours away.

    I shared with J, about the morning of this with a smile coming across her face. There was no doubt what one of the topics of her prayer was last night and knowing it had been answered for her.

    What comes out of my mouth can show what is in my heart. Jesus tells us what comes out of our mouth is what defiles a man.  I don't want to get in the way of God working. Leslie, also added I need to praise God at all times with how God working. You know you can read about it, hear it over and over, but actually applying it can be different.  I don't want to live empty words nor let my own words get in the way. I can find words to encourage others but when it comes to myself at times, I can get frustrated. We all can get frustrated. I praise God for the many that do encourage me from many sources. Don't you love to walk pass a person who is smiling and it becomes contagious? I like to give smiles to others that way but I know I don't walk that way all the time. I get distracted.

    That second verse brings it home to me when the father admits to Jesus he believes but is humble enough to ask Jesus to help with his unbelief. I know I can believe in percentages at times. My own words showed that in the last few weeks. Dear Jesus, please help me with my unbelief. I want to give and believe 100%!!! I want to Praise You for what You are Doing!!!. In Jesus name, Amen!!! 

Matthew 11: 28-30 (KJV)

28  Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  29   Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. 30   For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

    How many times do I forget that I do not live life alone if I have a relationship with Jesus? He wants us to give him our burdens which can be fears, frustrations, discouragments, decisions in life we need to make, things that stress us, or even how to handle good things that come into our lives. It is amazing how I can still get so distracted from keeping my focus on Jesus when  a lot of good things are happening. Am I using the wisdom God can give in dealing with them? How do I use my resources that God does give me? Do I even listen to Godly friends when they give me advice? Or, do I even seek them out when I need to?  As I live I come up with more questions at times.

    Yet, Jesus is different from the world view of things. "...learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart". That can really throw me for a loop. Jesus Christ who can heal people, control the weather, and basically in control of the world we know as he gives us a choice to reject or accept him, talks of being meek and lowly in heart as he wants us to follow this! How can this be? Love.... 1 Corinthians 13 spells it out well. Jesus loves us so much and is there for me if I will rely on him instead of myself. Proverbs 3: 5-6 talks about not leaning on my own understanding.

     It is not about pride, power trips, weath, and climbing the social ladder as the world seeks. It is not about doing it MY way. Life that matters for eternity with eternal life in heaven is about doing it JESUS'S WAY. I struggle with that in ways. I struggle in giving it over to God and keep letting God have it due to I like to take it back. Why????  We can all do it.  Am I addicted to fear and worry at times? I don't think so or at least I pray not!!!.

     When I talk with people I hear so many things whether they attend church or not. I can hear a lot of advice even if  I'm not asking for it. Yet, I must gives things to Jesus and let him keep them. Give him my fears and those I pray for. I need to learn from Jesus to be meek and lowly in heart. Yet, saying is one thing but actions another. I do praise God for those people in my life that encourage me to do just that though as they keep showing me scripture as they live and walk after God themselves.